Dr. Mike's
Video BLOG
I Found A Note In My Kids Room…
May 20th, 2010
You have to check out this video blog below and hear the details behind a question a parent of a middle schooler asked me.
I will be interested to see if you agree with what I told this mother.
Until Next Time,
Dr. Mike
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I would like more ideas as to the next step in the coversation with our kids, that you would recommend. How do we tell our kids “how to date” as this young age. My daughter has a boyfriend, yet they are still doing only group activies at this point. I have told her boyfriend that I expect him to take care of her, keep her safe, and do not leave the girls alone in a public area (ex. in the mall after a movie) His friends left for the arcade, but he listened & stuck with the girls as I asked. I have seen bad language in texting/facebook and I have had her delete friends and simply sign out of some conversations. I tell her to show repect and expect respect with others always. We discuss what God wants regarding abstinence. I am looking for possitive ideas about what they can do in dating, as well as, when to draw lines as to what is not allowed(ex. no touching any underwear zones)
Prior to Jr. High we had a long talk, and now she is looking forward to our “Highschool talk”(…NOT). I would love more ideas.
Yes, I agree with you completely. But on the flip side because I had the very same issue with my step daughter and expressed my adult/teacher/parent skills to her mother has left me alone. What are parents thinking? Yes my wife really left me because of my stance on a 16 year old girl having sex with her 17 year old boy friend in our home.
As always – Everyone who posted a comment is one of my SOWGIs (Some One Who Gets It) – Just look through each of the comments again and you will find each one of these adults helping each other out through the mucky water of parenthood – This topic hit a nerve with everyone! – You can see how this all reinforces why I chose the title for the book “Strategies For Saving Your Sanity In Parenthood.” – Thanks so much for the great dialogue you all provide and fuel for conversations around our water coolers.
As always, you have great wisdom, Dr. Mike. Thanks for always hitting the nail on the head. Watching this video is just another reinforcement of my role as a parent.
Great advice!
I completly agree with your comment My son will be 13 in June and was giving me grief for looking through his papers the other day.
My response was simple “it’s my job”.
If you don’t interact you will pay eventually and they will thanks us eventually as well.
At least that’s what I want to believe (in my own little romantic world)
Thanks
Health and Safety issues NO compromise! Parents must parent..it was the choice that they have made when they engaged in the possibility of having children.
Good advice..
Dr. Mike,
Again, thank you for a great podcast! This is clearly an issue many parents struggle with. I applaud you in taking a stand and addressing this ever important issue. We need parents to step up and parent rather than worry about the popularity contest with their children and their friends. Our children do need our guidance, after all these are health and safety issues.
Keep up the great work!
Very interesting……trust is secondary to safety for our children, especially, and for others. I have never really considered this question, but what you said makes perfect sense! The other thing….children do not have the mature cognitive skills that we, as adults, have, so they couldn’t even begin to figure out that the reason their ‘trust’ was violated (in their minds) was ultimately in their best interest.
I totally agree with you. Parents are not their childs friend they are their parents. A parent’s role is to love, nurture and guide their children into responsible adults. This can only be done with love and discipline together, hand in hand.
Dr. Mike,
I just watched the video. Thanks for soliciting response. Yes, I agree with your wise counsel and here’s why: God gives us parents instructions on how to raise the children He has entrusted to us. We are to be ever vigilante against the wiles of the devil who will come in various forms trying to devour as as lion whatever is the property of God, including our children. What you said about stepping in to address the child’s behavior that may affect herself and others is right on target. In this case, God has provide a “teachable event” to take place so that He can grow and transform all persons involved into the image of His Son.
After all, what would the alternative parent behavior look like? “Go ahead, do whatever you want, I know what will happen but don’t care” would be the unspoken message sent to the child.
Dr. Mike:
Before the words came out of your mouth, my thought was “Are you kidding me?” Privacy? Not in this instance. Pry – step in – you must act. She is your child and you are the parent. You must respond.
This situation provides an excellent opportunity to communicate with your daughter, and you can have that conversation without the drama and emotion that you were surely feeling when you read the printout. Be prepared to discuss the consquences of acting on the words that were contained in the message, and consider this opportunity to be a great entree’ into a discussion of dating (this was a middle school student?), relationships, respect for oneself and others, etc.
As a parent you simply cannot abdicate. As you so clearly stated, when the circumstances involve behavior that could hurt your child or hurt someone else, you must act.
Thanks for sharing this story with the focus on doing the right thing.
Yes, it indeed makes sense and good to hear someone else saying it. The example it use is the lifeguard in the chair can see more than the person in the water. Those in the ocean rely on that lifeguard to spot the circling shark that could end up being a problem. Although they may not agree, complain and think you are just a power hungry dictator. Once out of the water they will see the circling shark and have a much better perspective. Parents have a perspective that your kids do not have. Once they become parents, they will indeed see from your perspective. Remember, your kids have enough friends, you’re their parent, be one. If it were easy, everyone would be successful at it.
Trust is grown and does not just appear. To grow it, a seed has to be planted, soil and seed cared for, and pruned as it grows to help it mature into the tree it should become. Teaching the right and wrong is what we as parents do each and every day.
Right on…100%. I am with parents dealing with this issue all the time. Middle school kids are dangerous to themselves. We as parents have to protect them from themselves at that age. We must love them enough to set boundaries, say no, and discipline( teach) not punish them.
We are so much alike! Thanks for being the man’s voice. Peace,Pam
Hello Mike!
I completely agree with you! If a parent finds a letter like this, with this content, as parent one must step-in. Period.
I understand this mothers concern about “privacy” however I’m concerned that we as parents are giving our children too much freedom and room to fall to the evils that are among us, that are among most pre-teens and teenagers, in the name of “privacy.” I think you are absolutely right, if the behavior or situation has the potential to harm themselves or others, it is our duty, our job, our responsibility to intervene.
Thanks, as always, for sharing your information, your lessons and most importantly, starting conversations amongst parents about how and why we parent the way we do.
Much appreciated,
Genna Armstrong Johnson
As long as a child is in school (elem, MS/HS) (college age would be somewhat different) and relying on me for financial support and a place to live — privacy is a privilage and will be monitored. I will not only read e-mail and facebook content but also text messages on the cell phone. I told my child “If you want a facebook acct., e-mail address i will have the password and know I will check it. If you want a cell phone and text messaging I reserve the right to read them) Make that a stipulation ahead of time. Your child is your responsibility you have the right and the obligation to use any means possible to keep your child safe.
This is excellent information, and I wish ALL parents and teens would continue to hear it over and over, again. Many in our society haves become so enamored with “rights”, that they have lost the capacity to see the danger of it, especially to our youth.
Thank you so much for what you do, Dr. Mike. Please continue to sound the alarm of truth!
I totally agree with what you are saying. I am the single mom of two teenage daughters. One of them I found out is sexually active and I found out only because her diary was sitting out and I read it. I felt bad at first for reading it but I could tell her behavior had changed and I wanted to know why. I confronted her about it even though I was worried I would lose her trust but in the end I didnt. She and I are closer now than we ever have been. Which I am thankful for since she is going off to college in a year. I think that when it comes to my girls behavior and making sure they do the right thing that is more important than worrying about if they will like me or not. Im not their friend. I am their mother first and above all.
Once again I am shocked that this mother was worried about privacy! I agree with you totally. I am amazed at how often I feel like I am in another world when it comes to these issues and it makes me mad so often that other parents behaviors and what the allow put the rest of us in situations where we have to sit our kids down and explain to them why we are so “strict”!